Ben Affleck Is Batman: How it sent me through those 5 stages.


I decided to wait on writing this until I was through experiencing what I knew was going to happen. I didn’t want to behave rashly, or put anything out onto the wide web I couldn’t take back.  Let’s take a journey, a journey that began with an amazing announcement at comic-con, and ended…with Ben Affleck.

1st step – Denial

batman no wayThis is where it all began for me. I follow IGN on Facebook and I thought it was some kind of joke. In fact when I posted it in another group that I belong to, they too laughed. “Oh IGN is TROLLING HARD today,” “That’s not funny IGN,” they said “we all know that’s not true.” “Confirmed? What do they mean confirmed? His name wasn’t even mentioned!” Indeed the Nile t’was not just a river in Egypt that fateful ‘eve. We were knee-deep in denial, for IGN does not troll good people, they are not the Onion. People began wildly throwing out accusations of IGN being hacked until eventually we saw it on other sites. With dawning comprehension the horror of the situation hit us as hard as a vegetable Bane.

veggie bane
He still hit pretty hard.

Stage 2 – Anger

The internet EXPLODED! Angry fan-boys doused themselves in gasoline and set themselves on fire outside of Warner Brothers’ headquarters.

World peace? Uhh no, didn't you hear about Bat-fleck???
World peace? Uhh no, didn’t you hear about Bat-fleck???

Memes abound! Didn’t you see Daredevil? He doesn’t have the charisma, he doesn’t have the attitude, he won’t take it seriously! Does he even lift?? This is a slap in the face to all nerd kind, how DARE you WB how DARE YOU? How about you just stick to animated movies and leave the real superhero stuff to Disney? You SUCK!

bat boston

Step 3- Bargaining

Maybe they offered the role to someone else first? Maybe they turned it down? If we protest, sign petitions? Maybe they just need to hear our voices? Yeah…Yeah…that’s it, hey look White House! Make this travesty illegal! That’ll show ’em! They’ll change it for sure now. Xbox retracted it right? Same thing can happen here! Nothing…let’s pray on it! No? nothing? What? Seriously?

Blight
You guys? I don’t think he’s changing his mind…

Step 4 Depression

Every morning waking up to the nightmare that is BAT-FLEK sent several people into a depression, self abusive spiral. Nobody wore Batman paraphernalia out on the streets, for shame!  Every night I had terrible dreams of bat-nipples, bad puns, and chubby non-caring batmen.

Step 5 Acceptance

Maybe…maybe he’s learned from his stint as the Daredevil. I mean I know he said he’d never play a superhero again. He felt it degraded him as an actor…But maybe that just means the role is something he feels he can really throw himself into? Yeah that’s gotta be it. I mean Wolverine said he’d be good so that’s got to count for something right? Right?

Sigh…let us pray the nerd’s prayer.

Oh Bob Kane and possibly Bill Finger, depending on who you’re talking to, please let this Batman casting not be the worst thing since Joel…Please allow us the strength to carry on in these hard and unknowing times, if you could please stop turning over in your graves for half a second, we would like to apologize for WB for they know not what they do. I pray that you somehow make this work. In Wayne’s name…Abat.

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Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

Wiseguy Industries-Brian Bell

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3 thoughts on “Ben Affleck Is Batman: How it sent me through those 5 stages.

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