Ok so while I was gone I was able to use my ancient mac and an equally ancient script writing tool called “ScriptWright” to finish two feature length screenplays. (Yay!) Without further ado here is the logline for the first Sci-fi/Action film Kingdom, Come.
Logline: When a rogue survivor leads resistance-fighters against a murderous dictator who controls what remains of post-apocalyptic Earth, they must face his personal army, bionically-enhanced Un-dead soldiers!
Just click the link above! Ok got it? Good. So anyway I’d love your opinion on the logline as well as the first act. I would like to hear honest opinions if you like it say so if you don’t, you can say that as well. I only ask that both sides be constructive if you do feel like answering. The second one is still undergoing construction but soon I will be uploading the first act of that one as well. I really appreciate you guys! Thanks!
Sincerely,
Brian Bell-Wiseguy Industries
Wiseguy Industries Media 
It is awesome! Good luck with this. 🙂
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Thank you! Hoping to get it in the right hands!
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My first thoughts: “…picturesque… where’s this going? Neat! …”
I really like a nice opener. One that’s both engaging with some good activity so I’m not waiting for the story to start, and enlightening so I get an idea of not only where the story is, but where it’s going. This opening is exactly those things. We’re involved in the world immediately instead of the typical dry account of a sci-fi lead in (…thanks George).
The fun doesn’t stop there. This little chunk of goodness has left me wondering a few things. At first mention “scanners” rung a bell. Worry not. It’s a faint bell and a solid week later I can’t think of anything helpful in a IMDB search that will bring up the movie I was thinking of…. Having now read on, it’s of even less concern because they certainly are nothing alike to the faint memory of the late night b-film that had jumped to mind.
My final thought is if you haven’t got anyone in mind to make up the story boards, I’d pick me. It’s not everything I read that I can visualize so clearly. Just take my word on this… it’s mind blowing.
I can’t wait to ‘see’ the rest!
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I have a 2004 Mac Powerbook that I still use everyday, for Photoshop especially. I have to have it plugged in at all times. Sometimes I have to set it on an icepack to keep it running, but it works better and faster than my brand new tablet at most things. Isn’t the old software the best?
Enjoying “Kingdom Come” so far. I like the title very much, and that can get you a long way. I’ll let you know more about what I think when I’ve read the whole act.
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lol if i could still connect to the internet I would LOVE it! and even still I did really enjoy writing on it, no internet means FAR less distractions! Thanks for reading I look forward to hearing from you after you’re done with the act! Thanks!
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Just read through. It’s got a real ‘anime’ feel to it. Is that what you’re going for? The set up and story are really interesting, too!
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lol shhhh! You can’t give away my inspiration! lol no but I do love the way anime characters are crafted and I feel they usually have the BEST scenarios. Sooo out there so yes that’s kind of what I was going for with it. Thanks so much!
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Hehe. I watch a lot of anime, so, yeah, the characters struck me that way. The dynamic between them, especially. Set up of the story, too. Hints of steam punk tech.
It’s working for you!
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I like the title, and the logline definitely intrigues me (I’m a huge fan of anything with undead villains, and the ‘bionically enhanced’ angle sounds very cool!)
I’ve just started reading the PDF — more feedback shortly… 🙂
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Awesome script, Brian! (I sent my feedback notes to your Facebook page as a Message, since they were a bit long to put in the comments section here.)
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[…] Thanks again for reading Kingdom, Come! […]
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Come on people…I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get past the poor “on the nose” dialogue, poor formatting, bad setups, grammatical errors on every other line, overwriting, etc. Please, please, read books like Save The Cat, Hollywood Standard (for formatting), and read as many professional screenplays as you can. Read screenplays by William Goldman, Shane Black, Quentin Tarantino (you can find all of these online), and you will see good examples of how to write a screenplay. Pay for some professional analysis so you can see what you are doing wrong and correct it quickly. I don’t mean to seem overly harsh but it is very amateurish. I have read hundreds of bad screenplays. The good ones really stand out and are instantly recognizable. Make sure that your work compares to the professional screenplays you can see online.
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Actually I appreciate your forwardness. I will definitely go back and check on those grammatical errors. For formatting I used a tool called Script Wright…I’ll use final draft next time. I’ve never heard of Save the cat? I studied the screenwriter’s bible and have read Jackie Brown, Jurassic park, pulp fiction, blade, casablanca. Online. I will definitely work on the dialogue as well. I’m not too sure what you meant by bad setups though. Thank you for your help!
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Liked the logline, the idea for a sci fi movie intrigues me and I probably would watch it. Your script, however, lacks direction for me. I am unable to visualise the world you have created and the scene settings. Your characters have no character other than their age and gender, their dialogue doesn’t give me any clues as to what sort of people they are either. The formatting is poor, but you have already admitted you are using an ancient tool. Grammatical errors, and there are a lot of them, but all of this can be corrected. With a bit more study you should be able to produce a good script acceptable to industry standard. I wish you luck and look forward to reading the re-write.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read it! I’m actually doing a rewrite as we speak. I imported it to final draft and I believe it automatically reformatted it correctly. (I saved it as a TXT file and imported it). I’m working on the dialogue as well and I will definitely get the visual of the area across a lot more effectively. That’s one of the biggest parts of the script if that’s not done right then the script is definitely falling flat. I’ll get the grammatical errors checked and fixed asap as well Overall I am glad you see potential in it, there are worse problems to have than execution 🙂 Thanks again I’ll be uploading the rewrite sometime in the near future!
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I am going to read the script.
Also I think this would sound better for Logline: A rogue survivor leads resistance-fighters against a murderous dictator who controls what remains of post-apocalyptic Earth. They will face his personal army, the bionically-enhanced Un-dead soldiers!
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Or even better:
In a world of post-apocalyptic Earth a murderous dictator controls the people using his bionically-enhanced undead soldiers. A rouge survivor leads a band of resistance-fighters to save the day.
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